thinking

love is like a drug sometime.
cannot live without.

i question all the while. never stop. i apologize.
i'm sorry for being like this,because i can't get over it yet.
i can't forget about what he did to me.
the past. it's over but in your heart everything is still remain here.
no matter it's good or bad, they will always be here.
i can't stop myself for hating him and loving him.
loving him could make me kill him too.

i have a feeling, something like revenge.
but revenge couldn't make anything right,i know.
it might made us sufferer.

i never try to do anything bad to them while they are together.
i never try to ask the girl out for a talk although i planned before.
i never try to kiss or hug any guy while i have the right to do so.
i never try to party or chill out there when i can do so.
i never try to fight back when she called me a bitch.
i never try to scold her for what she did to me.
i never try to slap him when i found out about what he did to me.

why i never try? because i thought i am still his girl.
i suppose be good and understanding but i realized nobody is understanding me.
i don't understand why? why? why they did not try to understand me?
when i can be a little meaner? braver? tougher?

this is the first time,i am facing all this.
the outlook of us,we look good but we don't feel good.
i bet he is not feeling any settled at all.
something like we don't enjoy anymore.
no matter what we are doing,i ain't concentrating for what we are doing.
and i can be thinking another thing or people.
i can be thinking about her for the whole day.
i ain't liking her, i ain't hating her.
i don't even know what kind of feeling i have towards her.

how much i wish i could ask her out and have a talk with her.
and let us get this all over.

baby,you're luckily isn't it? you have two girls who care and love you.
something like love you to hell. could cry and cry over for you.
i love you and also i am afraid of you. just like another of my mom,who afraid of her own man.
our hand get shiver and we get frightened once our man are with his anger.
we did not dare to shout back, or say something that we wanted to say.
we knew that if once we try to say something,you guys will not try to listen.
and don't even give a damn on it.

ever since i was little,i saw a lot of problem about my own parents.
i don't wish i get a husband who behave like my dad.
who gets angry easily, very bad temper and lazy.
and also a very heavy smoker.